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Every night I pray to God asking him to kill me.
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It's how you act when nobody is watching.
12 December 2009 @ 12:56 am
My mom tried to make peace with me after she abused me on Sunday.
I wouldn't let her in. I've been extremely depressed the entire day and I was sobbing uncontrollably.
She came into my room and tried to find out what was wrong.
When I told her that she was half the problem she didn't believe me, got angry, and left.
I was sobbing even worse and I needed a release before I went insane.
She walked in on me cutting.
And her reaction was telling me how pathetic this is and taking away my scissors.
I don't think it's possible to hate my life more than I do now.
08 December 2009 @ 06:51 pm
I saw Tommy for the first time in twenty days.
It was awkward and it was hurtful and comforting and wonderful and absolutely unsafe.
I missed him so much it's impossible to even comprehend. We got coffee and he acted like a jerk.
But soon things started to lighten up. We got silly, we laughed, we hugged.
I never thought it would feel so comforting to just hear his voice, to have my fingers brush against his.
But at the same time it kills me because I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted that voice to be telling me how much he misses me,
how much he needs me, I wanted to kiss him just for that spark again, just to look at him and know things will be alright.
But nothing is certain anymore, especially not with him. I feel out of control.
He told me it would be a very quick meeting because he was going to see Jeannie, which is weird because nobody was talking to her for the longest time. He was supposed to go at five, but we sat in his car until 6. He was stalling, and it gives me unsafe hope.
He said we'll hang out again soon, just not tomorrow. Kind of hurt that he'd assume I would want to see him tomorrow again.
Even though I do want to more than anything, I wouldn't ask, I'm not going to obsessively want to see him anymore.
I guess that was a wrong on my part, wanting to see him all the time. He doesn't see what a comfort he was to me for everything.
He has no idea how much he's kept me from hell, and how much he's putting me through it.
I guess I'm going to have to deal with it, nothing happens over night. Just getting him to see me today was a huge step.
And hopefully it was a step towards the better and not just a world of more hurt.
Slowly, hopefully, he'll want to see me, he'll realize what I meant to me, and hoepfully things will go back to how they were.
I don't need a title with him, I don't need a status that proclaims him as mine. I do want him all to myself but that's a lot to ask for at the moment.
I was incredibly happy with him before we had the title, and I'll be more than happy to just go back to that status.
It seemed back then when he knew I was just as easy to lose and he was to me, he cared about me more, he cared about keeping me more.
The title ruined everything twice for me, and I think that's where it all goes wrong. The titleless relationship we keep for such a long time is absolutely perfect until we put a title on it. I'm hoping more than anything he will realize how happy both of us were and let things go back to how they were. If I could only have one thing, it would be to just feel his love one last time, to just have him hold me one last time, to just feel as close to him as I did ... just one more time and to just have a hope for it to never end. But it's something, I realize, that only time can unfold.
Tommy: :) you'll be fine. I know you're strong.
03 December 2009 @ 12:16 am
02 December 2009 @ 04:04 am
I had a very nice heart to heart with Andrew tonight.
I haven't snuck out in a while and it was a nice reminder of summer.
When everything was in one piece and together.
I got a lot of things off my shoulders, secrets I've kept from him, guilt, and the entire contents of my heart.
I really needed it I guess. The stress was just too much for me.
I'm glad I still have him as a friend.
28 November 2009 @ 07:04 pm
My mom and I went to Michael's to buy yarn and knitting needles. Once we found everything we needed we sat in the isle and started knitted in the store. Little old ladies were staring at us. We laughed the entire time. I very rarely have good memories like this with my mom and it was a nice feeling for once.
23 November 2009 @ 06:43 pm
He's in every single dream I have.
Maybe sleep has become a haven for me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
God, I gotta be strong.
22 November 2009 @ 11:33 am
I'm still waiting.
Waiting for the day where I'll wake up from this nightmare.
Waiting for the day he'll turn around and say he made a mistake.
Waiting for the day I'll be happy again.
And I will wait as long as I have to for him.
I'm still waiting for my happy ending.
Current Mood: 
depressed
depressed20 November 2009 @ 07:22 pm
My art teacher told me a story today that put a lot in perspective for me:
When I was seven I recieved my first lesson about love from my mother. She brought home doughnuts and everybody got two. So I finished mine really quick, I like doughnuts. There was one left in the box. It was my mothers, and I guess she saw me eyeing it because she said, "Dear, do you want the last doughnut?" And oh ... I did and I said, "No mommy, that's your doughnut." And she said, "But do you want it?" I sheepishly nodded my head. She pushed the box to me and told me to take it. And I asked, "But don't you want it?" She looked at me and said, "Yes dear, I do want it. But my love for you is stronger than my want for the doughnut. So you can have it because I love you." It was probably the best tasting doughnut I ever had in my life.
Current Mood: lonely
lonely19 November 2009 @ 03:54 pm
I've destroyed my entire body.
I have no skin left anywhere.
I can't stop doing it.
I want to be happy.
I cannot handle this.
I just can't do this again.
Please kill me.
18 November 2009 @ 07:23 pm
I've never felt so broken.
Tommy cheated on me and then he broke up with me.
I gave him everything I had.
I cannot believe this is happening.
:'[
Tommy cheated on me and then he broke up with me.
I gave him everything I had.
I cannot believe this is happening.
:'[
Current Mood: broken
broken
31 October 2009 @ 01:46 pm
Happy Halloween.
Party hopping with Tommy all day.
Stay safe everyone!
:]
Current Mood: 
loved
loved25 October 2009 @ 11:54 pm
I went to Tommy's brother's wife's baby shower today. It was a lot of fun and so adorable.
Afterwards we went to Bobby and Natalie's new house for a social. We stayed there until about 9pm.
Tommy's mom wouldn't let Tommy drive. She had quite a few drinks.
While walking to the car I remember thinking 'Do not get in that car, call mom.'
I felt like I has no choice though. It would take my mom an hour and a half to come get me.
I was shaking the entire car ride home. I was trying so hard not to cry.
I feel pathetic for being so terrified, but I was genuinely scared.
His mom nearly crashed three times. Once when she didn't stop at a stop sign and an oncoming car honked at her.
Once while we were on the highway and the person in front of us was braking and she didn't brake.
And once when we reached my driveway, she nearly drove into the garage door.
It was the scariest drive of my entire life, and once I walked inside I balwed my eyes out.
I just needed to get the scare out of my system. I don't know how I'll ever be able to get in the car with her again.
23 October 2009 @ 09:48 am
21 October 2009 @ 03:35 pm
Tommy asked me out yesterday officially in the parking lot of Taco Bell.
Honestly, I thought it was adorable.
We are going to just count that we've been going out for five months.
10-20-09.
<3
19 October 2009 @ 04:47 pm
Last week I tried out for three choir solos.
One I really wanted, two was something I'd be happy with, the third I tried out for as a joke.
I got the third one: The one with a high G.
I can't sing a high G! It happens by chance.
God save my soul.
Current Mood: 
scared
scared